Guest Review: Pandorum

My brother Jamey returns this week with a review of the new space horror movie Pandorum. I was most intrigued by the Crunch Master 6 aspect of the movie, though in full disclosure I never saw it.

Pandorum is a film about an underwear model who wakes up on a spaceship after a prolonged hypersleep only to find that he has no memory (hibernation sickness, though his eyesight returned on the spot), and that the ship seems to be abandoned. After peeling off several layers of skin from his nap (perhaps the only thing about the character that I identify with) he begins to search about his immediate surroundings. Now, I know what you're thinking, but don't worry because in the future every Hyper Sleep Chamber is fitted with a Crunch Master 6, so our hero is sporting rock hard, tasty abs right from the get-go. Equipped with nothing but a pair of sexy briefs, which I can only imagine were custom made to be specifically the length of his penis, and a pair of legs that are apparently immune to the effects of atrophy, the protagonist (Corporal Bower) locates some clothes from his own locker and can thankfully continue with the story.

After a few moments of ambling, we are introduced to the next principal character; the less talented Quaid brother (Dennis). Bower quickly attends to his newly awakened comrade, whose Crunch Master, it seems, must have malfunctioned during hypersleep. They quickly search for things that they have in common, and though they can't remember what their favorite colors are, or whether or not they both love cashews, they do realize that they are part of the flight crew and that Randy Quaid's brother (Lieutenant Payton) is the superior officer. They agree that they would like to find out what happened onboard, and attempt to escape their confines. Bower is elected to climb through a vent to open the door from the other side, as the ship has no power. They realize that they have to recalibrate the nuclear reactor, of which Bower is intimately knowledgeable because he is the ship's mechanical engineer (thank God, right).

This movie, as far as I am concerned, shoots itself in the foot early on by not allowing itself to be scary. The scary setting is there sure, but the problem is that instead of allowing the setting to be frightening by its own merits, the filmmakers decided to give the audience aural queues. The creepy setting is usually always accompanied by creepy score. Now while that might sound like it makes sense, it really just panders to the audience. You should not underestimate the effect of silence and ambient noise. In fact the few times there is silence, it is such a departure from the norm that the audience should realize that something scary is about to happen, which is exactly how it goes, but since it's so obvious, it doesn't pack any suspense. If there is silence all the time or only slight ambient scoring, then the viewer truly begins to fear for the characters at all times, as there's no distinction from when the characters are in a safe mode versus danger mode. The ghost is also given up a little soon for my tastes. The encroaching menace of space monsters is revealed, basically, immediately upon the realization that there might be the menace of space monsters onboard. The creatures themselves are postulated as being evolved humans, or at least mutated humans, which isn't a stretch given their similar appearance, minus a few details such as the, obviously evolutionary, loss of nose. I don't know about you, but when I think "evolution of man," the first thought in my head is, "Voldemort's got it; vestigial, plain and simple." It seems, in this regard though, that the filmmakers were not planning on using these creatures as the source of suspense, rather they intended to use the titular Pandorum (a fictional psychosis brought on by deep-space travel that is accompanied by hallucinations and, eventually hostile, paranoia).

Pandorum, as a means of suspense or terror, falls a little bit short as well, in the regard that, except for one or two instances, it is again accompanied by obvious queues that it is taking place. To its credit, though, it does lend an idea of what the characters are going through psychologically, and that at least helps you to fear for them. Besides this the movie only offers tenuous backstory that doesn't so much rally the audience to the plight of the protagonists, so much as it merely offers up that they were real people once, before they got into this mess. Given the circumstances of the story, though, whether or not Bower had a girlfriend before they launched really wouldn't have an effect on what his goal is, and accordingly in the movie, there is only one (maybe one and a half) moment where it actually does affect him.

Now, as if the aforementioned reason weren't enough to sway the movie away from being truly suspenseful, the film also falls victim to some of the usual post-apocalyptic tropes of movies today. Through Bowers search of the ship he eventually runs into survivors. It seems, by way of the plot, that there are a few people on the boat in a similar situation to Bower. These characters follow the usual archetype of grizzled survivors who hate you for being so clean and are too hard-bitten to fill you in on what has been happening. Characteristically though, and this could be a good thing (in the hypothetical situation of the movie, not for plausible fiction) every survivor is luckily trained in the Martial Arts. One such person Bower runs into is a Vietnamese Agriculturalist who doesn't speak a word of English but is luckily fluent in cock-punch. I can only imagine how lucky he felt when he woke up realizing that although he wasted his life studying agriculture, at least he jogged every weekend to the San Shou Kung Fu temple just for kicks (and punches I guess). Of Bower's other comrade I am less convinced. A shockingly stab resilient German scientist who, I'm pretty sure, was handed a pamphlet when she awoke and was told to "CHOOSE YOUR MARTIAL ART", to which she replied "knife". The super-human fighting ability phenomenon would be a little harder to swallow had the monsters actually been terrifying. As I said before, they are basically just ever present, and as I learned as a child while watching From Dusk till Dawn, if the monsters are always visible, they are not scary. When they are dumb and obvious, they are even less scary. For example, despite setting a rather elaborate trap, baited with a live survivor; assumingly to draw other prey to his cries; apparently our hungry friends are so thrilled at the fact that it actually worked, that their plan goes from setting a clever trap to blitzkrieging down the hallway towards their prey wearing blowtorches. Really. Despite all that, the survivors refer to them as hunters several times, which I guess is true enough, in the same sense that a retarded boy chasing a cat with a sprinkler is essentially a hunter, too. As far as characters go there's really only one more important one. Payton, not to be outdone, also finds a survivor while sitting on his ass in the first room he woke up in waiting for Bower to fix shit. This character is one of the previous team's flight crewmembers whose face you want to punch. The actor's actual name is Cam. Finally, there is a brief performance by Norman Reedus, whom douchebags will recognize from The Boondock Saints, and everyone else will recognize from The Boondock Saints II: All Saint's Day (that's not a joke).

In the end, the film isn't bad. It's entertaining, it just wasn't what I was hoping for as it only went for the cheap scares (BANG! Whoa!) and it sort of didn't mind being an action flick. It is enjoyable as long as you don't expect anything new. There is only a hint of romance implied in the movie, but it's so small that it doesn't interfere with the plot, or plausibility(of plot progression). While I won't say that everything in the plot is callable, I will say that none of it is surprising. In this movie climate, audiences are conditioned to expect the twist ending, and while this movie sort of has one, it's little more than a big "who cares?" Besides being another cautionary tale for Gothic stylish space architecture conclusively being curse-prone, this is a movie that I didn't ultimately regret paying money for. Take your girlfriend to see it, put your dick in the popcorn, it might be scary enough (to girls) to get away with. The movie, not your dick.

Grade: C - for cock punch

Guest Review: Moon

Please welcome my first guest reviewer today; Adam Loferski. Adam's an avid Star Wars fan, and a decisive mind when it comes to entertainment media. Basically we share a lot of interests. Here's his inaugural review:

Strap yourselves in for this sci-flick, because this ain't your momma's Tom Hanks space film. Moon is nothing short of incredibly thought provoking. The plot is fairly simple: Astronaut Sam Bell, played by actor Sam Rockwell(The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford), is finishing up his three year contract on the moon for the energy company, Lunar Industries. His job is to oversee the harvesting of Helium-3 from the surface of the moon, collect it, and send it back to Earth for mass usage. Now if you've seen the trailer, you already are at least partially aware of this, but with only a couple weeks left, Sam begins to have bizarre hallucinations. After three years of smooth sailing in his figurative shuttle, the proverbial thrusters come off. It doesn't take a rocket scientist (puns used to be the highest form of comedy -- Danny) to figure out what happens next.

Before I go and start revealing too much, lets jump straight to the acting. For all intents and purposes, this movie has just two actors. We'll start with Sam Rockwell. Now for full disclosure, this is only the second movie I've seen him in, but I think it would be very fair to say that he is a highly underrated actor. Throughout the course of this movie Rockwell is essentially alone on a remote moon-station. His only real-time companion is a robot named GERTY, voiced by Kevin Spacey. Not to diminish Spacey's efforts here, which were actually quite good, but this movie is essentially a one man show. Such a device might turn many casual movie goers away, but they would be missing out on a great performance. He is real, he is relatable. Hell, you might even shed a tear for him after a certain phone call he places late in the movie. Spacey's voice acting may evoke a slightly less emotional response from viewers. He does a fantastic job of making every line void of human emotion(shockingly reminiscent of his performance in Se7en). However, he still managed to take a moving robot with little more than a changing yellow smiley face and turn it into a memorable character.

Moving behind the scenes, one will find that this movie was directed by Duncan Jones. What? Never heard of him? Maybe it's because this is his first film. No, you've had to have heard of him before. Maybe this will refresh your memory. Zowie Bowie; aka Son of Bowie. Yes, that Bowie. David Bowie. Yeah his son is an emerging director that goes by Duncan Jones. So maybe this low budget film director isn't such an underdog after all coming from that gene pool. Does that make his story any less gripping? No. Jones deserves every bit of praise and applause for this film that gets sent his way. Working with only about 5 million dollars, Jones managed to punch out this memorable sci-fi flick in a mere 33 days. Now it must be said that if one pays close enough attention, there are some rather obvious influences to his story. I've heard 2001: A Space Odyssey is one big one, but since I've never seen it, I can't actually agree. However, I will say that I caught some obvious Blade Runner influences throughout, though I won't explicitly mention them. Does this borrowing of themes and such diminish the quality of the film? Hardly. Keep in mind that this is a Sci-Fi film. Rarely, and I mean RARELY, is anything in the realm of Sci-Fi truly and fully outside the influence of any of its predecessors. Moon nevertheless remains enjoyable despite its influences, and that's what makes it an excellent movie.

Before I get into exactly what I enjoyed so much about this movie, I feel like I must state that there will be some massive spoilers in this paragraph. If you haven't seen the film, skip this one. Now, as this is essentially my first review, it strikes me as relevant to tell you exactly what I look for in a movie. First and foremost, movies are obviously meant to entertain an audience. If it doesn't do that in one fashion or another, then it has failed. Secondly, I'm enthralled by movies that make me think, preferably about questions of human nature, emotions, life and death. That's not to say that I don't enjoy a good comedy as much as the next guy, but I would more prefer to leave a movie theatre feeling something profound. Moon did that for me, and I suppose that's why I liked it so much. The movie raises some seriously pertinent questions. As it states in the beginning, Helium-3 is used on Earth for over 70% of the planet's clean burning resources. Finding environmentally friendly energy sources is an important task for scientists today, but Moon begs the question, "At what cost?" As one will find out from watching the movie, Lunar Industries cloned the original Sam Bell, and has used clone after clone, 3 year life span after 3 year lifespan to keep their Helium-3 harvesting profitable and labor effective. This saves them probably billions of dollars in astronaut training and shuttle costs. The company's manipulation of these clones is very simple, yet quite brilliant. They implant memories and periodically send them messages from Bell's wife and the company HQ. The clones experience Sam Bell's original three year stint over and over again. Moon handles the somewhat cliched clone issue in a relatively different manner than some other sci-fi films. The audience isn't really aware that Bell is a clone until almost midway through the movie. Therefore, the audience is sold on the idea that Bell is first and foremost a human. For me, even after the reveal, I found it hard to even think of Bell (either one of them) as clones. Both were individuals, and fully human in every way. One might say, to evoke the classic Blade Runner quote, that Bell is more 'human than human'. He seems to understand what it is to live, to love, to yearn for home and the company of others more than anyone; especially more than the company for which he is employed. That's what really got my mind thinking about this movie. Duncan said in an interview that he wrote this movie as a kind of tribute to the sci-fi movies of the late 70s, where the characters were first and foremost human beings in an alien world. I believe he accomplished that feat in his one man movie about what it's like to be used, to find out that your life didn't actually happen, or to find out that you may not be as unique as you thought. It's universally and classically unsettling to think that we would destroy the very thing that makes us human in the name of science, however noble the end goal might be.

I have to mention that the music for this film was absolutely moving. It was done by Clint Mansell (Requiem for a Dream). Essentially, the same notes play throughout the various scenes, with the melodies varying slightly. It really does a fantastic job setting the mood and tone for this film. Its simple, yet gripping, music that will almost certainly have you humming it on your way out of the theatre.

Overall, Moon is a fantastic little movie that is well worth the admission fee. It's entertaining and gets your mind working in ways that other summer movies, like Transformers, simply will not. If this film is any indication of Duncan's future work, keep an eye out for him. Until then though, go see this movie. You might just leave and never look at the moon the same way again.