28 x 28: February Thirteen

Today I have a daring tale of choosing the darker of two paths and the possible and actual repercussions of doing so. The scenario involved a night of Roller Derby and my trek to meet up with my friends. Before I could convene though, three things needed to be achieved. First, I needed to put gas in my car to make the semi-long drive to the venue. Simple enough. Second, I needed to get cash in order to pay for my ticket into the show. Third, I needed to stop at a Walgreens to get some gum and a delicious pomegranate water.

I knew the night was going well when I stopped for gas and realized that I had a Shell Gas card procured through work for my good performance. This amounted to $25 dollars of free gasoline which made the first financial knock of the evening obsolete. As an aside here, one should know that I am inexplicably superstitious. I examine little happenings like this as good fortune and tally it up on an ever tipping scale of my life. So, long story short, I was putting this happening in the win column. With a smile on my face, I drove into the night with the radio blasting some choice tunes. As I drove it occurred to me that both the second and third tasks could be easily combined in a nigh-Herculean display of ingenuity. Walgreens, the bastion of convenience for Americans everywhere, allows free cash back withdrawals with a purchase. How fortune smiles upon the wise! Minutes later I found myself in what would turn out to be both a moment of triumph and the catalyst for what would become an impenetrable clusterfuck (technical term).

With my items swiped and the cashier lazily announcing my total for payment, I slid my card and navigated the simple menus to allow for $20 dollars cash back. As I gathered up my plastic bag and reached out my hand to receive both my receipt and cash back, the fates writhed their twisted fingers together in an opera of malevolent malcontent that would trigger the gears of karma against me. Papers in hand I took a step towards the door. I double-taked. In my hand I spied usual items: A receipt and a bill... Wait, two bills? Surely this must be two ten dollar bills masquerading for my desired twenty dollar return. On second glance my weary eyes confirmed the ugly truth -- I was in possession of not one, but two glorious twenty dollar bills; a 100% PROFIT! Immediately my mouth opened to speak. The air rose up my throat, the words racing to escape my teeth. And then a truncated stifle. In what amounted to a moment in time I decided my own fortunes. Looking towards the door and continuing my exit, I folded both receipt and ill-gotten bills and placed them firmly in my pocket. I emerged into the crisp chill of the night.

I did it! I was free! Frantically I searched my mind. The suspicion of any moment yielding a panicked clerk dashing out the front doors to correct her mistake lingered. I stole looks left and right like some kind of criminal fresh from the heist. Hastily I jumped in my car and checked the rear view mirror. The coast was clear. Starting the engine I quickly dug the fruits of my decision from my jeans and surmised the glory of my escapade. As examiner and judge of my own fortunes, I for the second time accounted this happening as an example of favorable outcomes. With newly doubled funds in hand, my otherwise cost prohibitive night was now open to whatever boundless monetary possibilities it could muster. A wry smile on my face, I accelerated into the night and onwards to my destination. Somewhere a cunning mischief began its trickery with me as its target.

I would be remiss if I did not make mention of the fact that while I was indeed happy with the treasure of my actions, a certain modicum of doubt and despair began to seep its way into my waking mind. Primarily, I was guilty of a moral omission. It would have been easy to simply correct the clerk on her honest mistake and solve the problem. In reality I knew as well as many that the repercussions for an unaccounted for $20 dollars in a corporation as large as Walgreens would go most likely ignored. But yet a knowing sadness dug in that I had chosen the less righteous path and in turn betrayed on some level the credibility I had placed on my own scruples. As a secondary concern, I had been raised subconsciously to always expect the 'other shoe to drop'. In essence, when things look good and you get comfortable, never be surprised when something awful arrives to knock you down. Deep down I noted that perhaps this moment of good luck would clear the way for a torrent of badness later in the night. So much so was this thought prevalent in my head that I spoke of it to my friends once I joined them.

The rest of this story is largely perception. To some, many of the things that I now chalk up to bad luck may seem circumstantial -- that I was looking for bad things to herald as the cracking whip of justice. For instance, upon arriving at the venue for the Derby and joining with my group, the moment I sat down in my folding lawn chair was no sooner the exact moment the legs beneath chose to snap and fold the chair into disrepair. Minor though it may be, the inconvenience to my viewing pleasure was palpable. The rest of the night, to save what are most likely trivial and nonessential details, followed similar suit converging on one complete and disrupting encounter with unforetold dealings with thoughts and emotions I was unable to process properly and left me shell-shocked.

So perhaps I have misconstrued the entire night and assigned blame to events that otherwise I would take no notice. Maybe though the situation was, if not cosmically influenced, inexorably lead through reactions and events both subtle and discreet to bring me squarely to a moment in time that I distinctly associated with a self-fulfilled punishment for my inability to do the right thing. Fate is so often dismissed as the shackles of weaker minds deferring to powers greater than they to explain away the things that happen to us all. Perhaps there is truth in this, and perhaps fate is more devious an animal that resides in our darkest minds and manifests itself in our lives in ways we are only minutely aware on any perceptible level. If we are the product of our actions, then perhaps that product is not so simply displayed as the sum of objective events.